The Lost Art of Being Content

Contentment.
What does it look like?
How does one know if they're content?
How does one become content?
Why is contentment so important?

Contentment doesn't have a "look" necessarily, but it definitely has a presence which can transcend any feeling by far.  For those of you who may not really know what contentment is, here's what Dictionary.com has to say about it:

Content   [kuh n-tent]   adjective   satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

Satisfied?  To clarify, let's look that word up, too:

Satisfy   [sat-is-fahy]    verb   to fulfill the desires, expectations, needs or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); give full contentment to. 

Okay, so to be content means to have one's desires, expectations, needs or demands fulfilled.  What does this mean in our current world?  Is it possible for anyone to ever be content?

In this technology-driven world of instant gratification, have-it-your-way and enough-is-never-enough mentalities, contentment may seem impossible. So how do you know if you're content? 

Maybe you have the job of your dreams, the pay you deserve, the family you've always wanted.  You might call this happiness.  Does being happy mean you're content?  What happens when a job is lost?  What happens when you or a family member is diagnosed with cancer; when life becomes less about living and more about surviving?  Or worse, what happens when someone you love dies?  Where's the happiness then?  Is it possible to be content in these circumstances?

It is entirely possible, albeit not easy, but completely within your reach to be content even in the midst of life's disasters.  This is what I mean when I said contentment transcends feelings.  The difference between the two is:

   Happiness is a feeling...

                                                                                ...contentment is a choice. 

You've been knocked down.  Life is far from happy.  How is this satisfying?  Let's go back to the definitions.  The interesting thing about this definition of "satisfy" is that three of the four words used to define it are self-centered and biased: desires, expectations and demands.  All three of these items vary depending on the person with whom they originate.  You may desire wealth while someone else desires family.  You may expect obedience while someone else expects cooperation.  You may demand perfection while someone else simply demands effort.  Each of these items are variables tailored to each person.  If we take these ever-changing descriptors out, we are left with the one thing which is the same for everyone: our needs. 

You might say you need a four-bedroom house, a job with paid vacation time; maybe you "need" a new phone with all the new features.  But do you really need it?  Do you need to see every blade of grass on the football field via your high definition TV?  Do you need the fancy wedding and the debt that comes with it?  Despite our skewed Western-World definition of a "need", our basic, human needs that go beyond culture and country are a better starting point for our definition of contentment.  

Every human has basic needs.  Here is a small checklist to assist in you're journey to contentment:

1. Food: Do you have food to sustain your body? 

This may be a tough one for some.  There are countless people in this world suffering from malnutrition for many reasons.  Thus, food is a need that's not always being met for many. 

2. Water: Do you have access to safe drinking water?

Like food, clean drinking water is a rare commodity in unacceptably large portions of the world.  Again, it's a need that's not always being met.  

3. Shelter: Do you have access to a means of shelter to protect you from inclimate weather and other possible dangers? 

This, too, is inaccessible for some.  Even in the "richest" country in the world (the U.S.A.), there are thousands upon thousands of people homeless and in the streets.  Is this basic need of yours being met? 

Take step back now and look at this list.  I think we would all agree that these are three of the most basic needs every human being has.  Sadly, this short list is missing the most basic need of all: love.  I could go on and on with other more specific needs that satisfy the emotional and spiritual being rather than these three basic needs which only satisfy the physical, but I'll sum it up in this one word. 

Love.  

It is what thrust forth our existence in the first place.  It is what sustains the world around us, fills our lungs each day and allows us to exist without lashing out at each other with animal-like malice.  Whether you've experienced love in a marital, parental or friendship state or not, it is a basic need of every human being to be loved and to love others.  We can fight it all we want, but we need love.  Without it we are nothing.  

How does one get contentment out of love?  Follow me for a moment as I diagram this most important necessity of life.

The Bible tells us:

"God is love". (1 John 4:7-11) 

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame." (Isaiah 58:11) 

The Apostle Paul writes:

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13) 

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength..." (1 Timothy 1:12)  

Paul says Jesus is the secret to being content in all circumstances.  No matter your level of employment, your income, your family status, your health status...the peace that comes with faith in Jesus (Romans 5) satisfies the soul.  It is through Christ's love and strength that each of us can be fulfilled and content.

I can speak from personal experience that faith in Jesus Christ has given me a level of contentment that I never felt before.  At my families most dire times--financial crises, health crises, spiritual crises--knowing that I had Christ at my side, even carrying me at times when my body was too weak, made all the difference.  Where worry used to dwell, confidence in God's provision through the love of Christ took its place.  This is the difference between happiness and contentment.  God promises to provide for those who believe (Matthew 6 and Luke 12), so as a believer, why would I have any reason to be discontent?

Now you're probably thinking...wait, WHAT?  Didn't you say contentment was a CHOICE?  Yes, I did.  I'm sure there's plenty of believers out there who do NOT feel content.  That's understood.  It took me years after accepting Christ to really understand contentment.  Here are a few reasons even believers have trouble being content:

1. We humans like being in control.  The problem with this is that God demands our reliance on him: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." (Proverbs 3:5) 

2. We get distracted by the day-to-day: We get so blinded by the daily grind that we forget that God promises to provide for us.  Pair that with our addiction to controlling things, and POOF, contentment is out with the trash.  "And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.  For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.  But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well." (Luke 12:29-31) 

3. Like others, we confuse happiness or success with real contentment.  It is easy to think you're content when the world's at your feet, but what about when you're face down in the gutter of life, footprints on your back, and no one to call to bail you out?  "In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud..." (Psalm 81:7) 

4. Understandably, we may get upset, even angry with God when it seems like our prayers aren't being answered.  The truth of it is, "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; The Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6:9) "The Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand." (Psalm 20:6) 

It is very difficult to let go and let God be in control of our lives, but with that choice--that decision to follow Christ--you are choosing freedom from the bondage of discontentment.  This, my dear readers...This is what it means to be content.  Choose Christ and choose to wake up everyday with the knowledge that God loves you and he's taking care of you.  (How he chooses to provide for you?  Well, that's for another blog entirely.) 

9 Marks of Marred Marriages

Marriage.

It's a scary, beautiful, painful, exciting thing that many of us step into.  It is the most beautiful human friendship anyone could ever have, to be united in marriage.  How come it's become so twisted and ugly?  How come marriage has become this thing people are "trapped in", something they get all tangled up in?  Here are a handful of contributors: 

1. Lack of Communication: Whether it lacked before the proposal or after the vows, or all through the relationship, communication is a massive ingredient in a healthy marriage. Without it, one or both participants can feel abandoned, confused, pressured, deceived, and more.  Growing up, it was rare to see my parents disagree.  I honestly cannot think of a time when I ever saw them really duke it out.  Yeah, it was pretty cool to know my parents were on the same page (or at least that's how I always thought they were), but in all reality, I think it slowed my understanding of how to work through conflict with my spouse.  My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a family setting where there was fighting all the time...the unhealthy kind.  This makes him naturally want to steer clear from conflict.  As you can imagine, this made our earlier married years more difficult when we disagreed. Over the years, we've come into our own way of settling disagreements.  Some may think we argue all the time, but the truth of it is, there are very few things we've ever been truly angry with each other over.  We have our own way of working out problems, but the important point is...we communicate.  No, we haven't always been straightforward with each other and yes, we still need work in this area, but we at least talk with each other rather than keep our problems bottled up.

2. "Falling out of Love" mentality: Oh, come on!  Ask anyone and they'll tell you life is not always fun.  We've all experienced our ups and downs.  Life wasn't meant to be lived on cloud nine (at least not this life).  We're all different after all, so it stands to reason that if you take two people from two different sets of parents, and put them together with their likes and dislikes, hobbies and personalities, things aren't always going to go smoothly.  Marrying someone is a lifelong commitment, so if you can't deal with the ups and downs that come with being in a committed relationship, then don't get married.  On the other hand, if you go into marriage aware that there will be valleys as well as peaks, then focusing on loving your spouse through all of them becomes more important than the obstacles that litter your path.

3. Pointing the Blame: We all do it at some time or another.  We don't want to take responsibility for our flaws, our mistakes, our shortcomings, so we point blame for the suffering relationship at our spouse.  The problem is, usually we are part of the problem.  I'm learning as years pass by and I do my own research into relationships, that these types of blame games are signs of some sort of boundary issues in the relationship.  An excellent book to read on these matters is Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that Make or Break Loving Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

4. Lack of Balance: This is a big one.  My husband and I still struggle with this one, as any family with four children might.  Balance is so important.  It is what keeps one person in a relationship from taking on the burden of responsibility while the other sets back and enjoys the ride.  This, too, is about having healthy boundaries.

5. Fouled Purpose: We would all hope that it's love that joins a man and woman in a marriage union, but that's not always the case.  Some couples truly cannot be separated, they are in it for the long haul and ready to ride the roller coaster of life. Some find themselves new parents before a lifelong commitment even entered their head.  Some think they've found "the one", some marry on a whim, some buy into a lie and still some merely like the idea of marriage--having someone who's supposed to be there with you no matter what--though the person they chose may not be right for them.

6. Infidelity: When a marriage relationship experiences strain (loss of a child, financial stress, intimacy issues, etc.) it can be easy to fall into the temptation of seeking some form of attention from another.  This behavior, however, does nothing good to heal the hurting marriage.  All this does is create a bigger gap in the relationship; it harbors distrust, resentment and anger.

7. "The Grass is Always Greener" Mentality: Maybe you or your spouse hasn't fallen into an adulterous relationship in a sexual sense, but infidelity can take on many forms.  Simply lusting (not just a sexual term) for the fancy house, the new car, or the better paying job can convey to your spouse and/or children that they're undeserving of your love and attention.  This, of course, only plants seeds of unhappiness and leaves your family feeling unworthy.  

8. Selfishness: This is not only the cause of countless ruined marriages, but ruined friendships, failing businesses, even wars.  The desires of one human being can be so overpowering that people have been driven to war over such self-centeredness.  People have died, others abused, beat down, broken.  If a person is so bent on having only what they want and doesn't care about anyone else's desires, they would fail at marriage.  Marriage demands compromise, cooperation and communication.  None of these thrive in an environment soaked in selfishness.  One cannot compromise with a selfish person, because the selfish work only to satisfy themselves.  Selfish people are unbudging when cooperation is necessary.  One cannot truly communicate with a selfish person because the selfish have trouble seeing past their own wants.  Their mind works only to satisfy their own appetite.  I'm not saying that selfish people should be outcasted.  We are ALL selfish in ways.  One extremely difficult part of marriage is learning to put aside one's own desires to work with their spouse (and children) toward solutions to life's obstacles.  Sometimes these solutions include satisfying a desire of one spouse, sometimes it satisfies both spouses desires.  Other times, neither one's desires are satisfied, but the solution is best for both. 

Marriage is a gift.  It was given to us when God created Eve to unite with Adam.  It is designed to teach us about life, about God, about sacrifice, about commitment, about forgiveness, about love.  It has become so skewed.  Divorces are so rampant in the U.S. today because those getting married are struggling with the items I've listed.  This is not to say happy marriages do not struggle with these as well.  They do.  The difference is, the successful marriages don't give up.  The last item for my list is...

9. Commitment: This word has lost it's meaning over the centuries, most dramatically in the last 50 years.  Marriage is a commitment.  It is a promise (another overly-abused word).  It is a life-altering, mind-altering, perspective-shifting, heart-warming, heart-breaking, body-tingling, direction-changing choice.  It is not to be taken lightly. The choice carries the same weight as asking someone if they want to donate an organ, one which, without it, their body would never be the same.  Do not make the choice to marry a swift one.  Your life will never be the same.  

When committed to marriage in the biblical sense--till death do us part--marriage will take you places you never dreamed possible.  It will teach you things you never knew you needed to know.  It is a massive growth pill.  Yeah, there are people who've been married for a long time who all don't "get it".  That sucks for them, because marriage is like an oak tree. Plant the seed, let it grow, then as the sapling struggles through those early years, fighting strong winds, snow storms, hot summer days, it matures, growing taller, stronger, filling out.  It produces acorns, feeds squirrels, provides shade to those needing relief.  Then, like my family witnessed in my mom's front yard recently, the mighty oak scatters it's acorns, allowing them to take root and grow a forrest of trees around it.  

I hope the metaphor is clear.  The early years of marriage are rough.  Life is different and new for both husband and wife.  Then, as the relationship grows stronger and fuller, it begins to bear fruit.  For many this can be children, for others, this could be making friendships with other couples focused on healthy marriages.  This growing marriage feeds other marriages with joy, faithfulness, commitment and more.  It provides wisdom and encouragement for those in struggling marriages, like overheated people looking for shade.  Healthy, committed marriages like this set a loving example to those around it that the marriage itself bears witness and encourages others to commit whole-heartedly to a lifelong marriage as well.  I picture the 30-year-old oak trees in my mom's front yard that scattered thousands of acorns which took root and nearly began a forrest in her yard. I remember my dad planting those trees when they were just babies.  In all these years, I've never witnessed the fruitfulness that took place this year.  It was astounding.  

If you're considering marriage, I hope my words haven't scared you away, rather urged you to strive for a marriage big on commitment and full of love.  

If you're already married, I hope I've encouraged you to connect on a deeper level with your spouse, and to set an example for young hearts around you.  

If you've cursed marriage and refuse to partake, I hope my words leave you longing for someone who will change your heart and free you to make a lifelong commitment to the love of your life.