It's a scary, beautiful, painful, exciting thing that many of us step into. It is the most beautiful human friendship anyone could ever have, to be united in marriage. How come it's become so twisted and ugly? How come marriage has become this thing people are "trapped in", something they get all tangled up in? Here are a handful of contributors:
1. Lack of Communication: Whether it lacked before the proposal or after the vows, or all through the relationship, communication is a massive ingredient in a healthy marriage. Without it, one or both participants can feel abandoned, confused, pressured, deceived, and more. Growing up, it was rare to see my parents disagree. I honestly cannot think of a time when I ever saw them really duke it out. Yeah, it was pretty cool to know my parents were on the same page (or at least that's how I always thought they were), but in all reality, I think it slowed my understanding of how to work through conflict with my spouse. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a family setting where there was fighting all the time...the unhealthy kind. This makes him naturally want to steer clear from conflict. As you can imagine, this made our earlier married years more difficult when we disagreed. Over the years, we've come into our own way of settling disagreements. Some may think we argue all the time, but the truth of it is, there are very few things we've ever been truly angry with each other over. We have our own way of working out problems, but the important point is...we communicate. No, we haven't always been straightforward with each other and yes, we still need work in this area, but we at least talk with each other rather than keep our problems bottled up.
2. "Falling out of Love" mentality: Oh, come on! Ask anyone and they'll tell you life is not always fun. We've all experienced our ups and downs. Life wasn't meant to be lived on cloud nine (at least not this life). We're all different after all, so it stands to reason that if you take two people from two different sets of parents, and put them together with their likes and dislikes, hobbies and personalities, things aren't always going to go smoothly. Marrying someone is a lifelong commitment, so if you can't deal with the ups and downs that come with being in a committed relationship, then don't get married. On the other hand, if you go into marriage aware that there will be valleys as well as peaks, then focusing on loving your spouse through all of them becomes more important than the obstacles that litter your path.
3. Pointing the Blame: We all do it at some time or another. We don't want to take responsibility for our flaws, our mistakes, our shortcomings, so we point blame for the suffering relationship at our spouse. The problem is, usually we are part of the problem. I'm learning as years pass by and I do my own research into relationships, that these types of blame games are signs of some sort of boundary issues in the relationship. An excellent book to read on these matters is Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that Make or Break Loving Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
4. Lack of Balance: This is a big one. My husband and I still struggle with this one, as any family with four children might. Balance is so important. It is what keeps one person in a relationship from taking on the burden of responsibility while the other sets back and enjoys the ride. This, too, is about having healthy boundaries.
5. Fouled Purpose: We would all hope that it's love that joins a man and woman in a marriage union, but that's not always the case. Some couples truly cannot be separated, they are in it for the long haul and ready to ride the roller coaster of life. Some find themselves new parents before a lifelong commitment even entered their head. Some think they've found "the one", some marry on a whim, some buy into a lie and still some merely like the idea of marriage--having someone who's supposed to be there with you no matter what--though the person they chose may not be right for them.
6. Infidelity: When a marriage relationship experiences strain (loss of a child, financial stress, intimacy issues, etc.) it can be easy to fall into the temptation of seeking some form of attention from another. This behavior, however, does nothing good to heal the hurting marriage. All this does is create a bigger gap in the relationship; it harbors distrust, resentment and anger.
7. "The Grass is Always Greener" Mentality: Maybe you or your spouse hasn't fallen into an adulterous relationship in a sexual sense, but infidelity can take on many forms. Simply lusting (not just a sexual term) for the fancy house, the new car, or the better paying job can convey to your spouse and/or children that they're undeserving of your love and attention. This, of course, only plants seeds of unhappiness and leaves your family feeling unworthy.
2. "Falling out of Love" mentality: Oh, come on! Ask anyone and they'll tell you life is not always fun. We've all experienced our ups and downs. Life wasn't meant to be lived on cloud nine (at least not this life). We're all different after all, so it stands to reason that if you take two people from two different sets of parents, and put them together with their likes and dislikes, hobbies and personalities, things aren't always going to go smoothly. Marrying someone is a lifelong commitment, so if you can't deal with the ups and downs that come with being in a committed relationship, then don't get married. On the other hand, if you go into marriage aware that there will be valleys as well as peaks, then focusing on loving your spouse through all of them becomes more important than the obstacles that litter your path.
3. Pointing the Blame: We all do it at some time or another. We don't want to take responsibility for our flaws, our mistakes, our shortcomings, so we point blame for the suffering relationship at our spouse. The problem is, usually we are part of the problem. I'm learning as years pass by and I do my own research into relationships, that these types of blame games are signs of some sort of boundary issues in the relationship. An excellent book to read on these matters is Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that Make or Break Loving Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
4. Lack of Balance: This is a big one. My husband and I still struggle with this one, as any family with four children might. Balance is so important. It is what keeps one person in a relationship from taking on the burden of responsibility while the other sets back and enjoys the ride. This, too, is about having healthy boundaries.
5. Fouled Purpose: We would all hope that it's love that joins a man and woman in a marriage union, but that's not always the case. Some couples truly cannot be separated, they are in it for the long haul and ready to ride the roller coaster of life. Some find themselves new parents before a lifelong commitment even entered their head. Some think they've found "the one", some marry on a whim, some buy into a lie and still some merely like the idea of marriage--having someone who's supposed to be there with you no matter what--though the person they chose may not be right for them.
6. Infidelity: When a marriage relationship experiences strain (loss of a child, financial stress, intimacy issues, etc.) it can be easy to fall into the temptation of seeking some form of attention from another. This behavior, however, does nothing good to heal the hurting marriage. All this does is create a bigger gap in the relationship; it harbors distrust, resentment and anger.
7. "The Grass is Always Greener" Mentality: Maybe you or your spouse hasn't fallen into an adulterous relationship in a sexual sense, but infidelity can take on many forms. Simply lusting (not just a sexual term) for the fancy house, the new car, or the better paying job can convey to your spouse and/or children that they're undeserving of your love and attention. This, of course, only plants seeds of unhappiness and leaves your family feeling unworthy.
8. Selfishness: This is not only the cause of countless ruined marriages, but ruined friendships, failing businesses, even wars. The desires of one human being can be so overpowering that people have been driven to war over such self-centeredness. People have died, others abused, beat down, broken. If a person is so bent on having only what they want and doesn't care about anyone else's desires, they would fail at marriage. Marriage demands compromise, cooperation and communication. None of these thrive in an environment soaked in selfishness. One cannot compromise with a selfish person, because the selfish work only to satisfy themselves. Selfish people are unbudging when cooperation is necessary. One cannot truly communicate with a selfish person because the selfish have trouble seeing past their own wants. Their mind works only to satisfy their own appetite. I'm not saying that selfish people should be outcasted. We are ALL selfish in ways. One extremely difficult part of marriage is learning to put aside one's own desires to work with their spouse (and children) toward solutions to life's obstacles. Sometimes these solutions include satisfying a desire of one spouse, sometimes it satisfies both spouses desires. Other times, neither one's desires are satisfied, but the solution is best for both.
Marriage is a gift. It was given to us when God created Eve to unite with Adam. It is designed to teach us about life, about God, about sacrifice, about commitment, about forgiveness, about love. It has become so skewed. Divorces are so rampant in the U.S. today because those getting married are struggling with the items I've listed. This is not to say happy marriages do not struggle with these as well. They do. The difference is, the successful marriages don't give up. The last item for my list is...
9. Commitment: This word has lost it's meaning over the centuries, most dramatically in the last 50 years. Marriage is a commitment. It is a promise (another overly-abused word). It is a life-altering, mind-altering, perspective-shifting, heart-warming, heart-breaking, body-tingling, direction-changing choice. It is not to be taken lightly. The choice carries the same weight as asking someone if they want to donate an organ, one which, without it, their body would never be the same. Do not make the choice to marry a swift one. Your life will never be the same.
When committed to marriage in the biblical sense--till death do us part--marriage will take you places you never dreamed possible. It will teach you things you never knew you needed to know. It is a massive growth pill. Yeah, there are people who've been married for a long time who all don't "get it". That sucks for them, because marriage is like an oak tree. Plant the seed, let it grow, then as the sapling struggles through those early years, fighting strong winds, snow storms, hot summer days, it matures, growing taller, stronger, filling out. It produces acorns, feeds squirrels, provides shade to those needing relief. Then, like my family witnessed in my mom's front yard recently, the mighty oak scatters it's acorns, allowing them to take root and grow a forrest of trees around it.
I hope the metaphor is clear. The early years of marriage are rough. Life is different and new for both husband and wife. Then, as the relationship grows stronger and fuller, it begins to bear fruit. For many this can be children, for others, this could be making friendships with other couples focused on healthy marriages. This growing marriage feeds other marriages with joy, faithfulness, commitment and more. It provides wisdom and encouragement for those in struggling marriages, like overheated people looking for shade. Healthy, committed marriages like this set a loving example to those around it that the marriage itself bears witness and encourages others to commit whole-heartedly to a lifelong marriage as well. I picture the 30-year-old oak trees in my mom's front yard that scattered thousands of acorns which took root and nearly began a forrest in her yard. I remember my dad planting those trees when they were just babies. In all these years, I've never witnessed the fruitfulness that took place this year. It was astounding.
If you're considering marriage, I hope my words haven't scared you away, rather urged you to strive for a marriage big on commitment and full of love.
If you're already married, I hope I've encouraged you to connect on a deeper level with your spouse, and to set an example for young hearts around you.
If you've cursed marriage and refuse to partake, I hope my words leave you longing for someone who will change your heart and free you to make a lifelong commitment to the love of your life.
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