A few things I've learned about marital sex over the years:
1. If you can’t remember the last time you and your
spouse had sex, it’s been too long.
I am SO serious about this. One week, two weeks, three weeks…more? If you cannot remember when you and your
spouse were sexually intimate, then gosh darn it, be purposeful about making
time for some intimacy with your spouse.
I always joke with my husband about when I start dreaming about it, it’s
been too long.
2. Having sex with your spouse should be something
you look forward to.
If it is a topic of anxiety or fear for you
and/or your spouse, then you both need to sit down and get to the nitty gritty
details and be honest with each other.
If you do not communicate about you and your spouse’s sexual needs and
desires, one or both of you could be missing out on something amazing. Be honest.
Be blunt. But don’t pass judgment
on your spouse. It’s okay to critique,
but don’t belittle or degrade. Always
lift up your spouse in all you do. Not
an easy task, I know, but worth striving for.
Tell your spouse what you like best about your sexual encounters. Tell them what really turns you off. Now ask your spouse what they like most and
what turns them off. (Note: Be honest with your spouse about anything that may hurt. No one should be in pain when making love). It will help both
of you in the long run to know these details about each other. Use this information to brainstorm new ways
to love and please each other. Bottom
line: having sex with your spouse should be something you look forward to.
3. Sometimes you just need to have sex.
Whether you’re in the mood or not, whether
you’re fighting with your spouse or feeling madly in love with them, there are
times when the day just requires it of you.
I don’t mean that a person should allow themselves to become play things
for their spouse, regardless of their own health, safety and emotional
well-being. What I mean is that there are
days when I notice the tension between my husband and me is high and I think
back and realize that we hadn't even kissed yet that day, or maybe it’d been a
while since we’d been sexually intimate.
This is when I might tell my husband, “I know why we’re being so mean to
one another…we haven’t kissed yet today.”
I follow my words with a big kiss planted right on his lips. This normally lightens the mood. Not always, but usually. It’s hard to stay ticked off at someone
(especially when the fighting wasn't founded on anything specific in the first
place) if you’re locking lips with them.
The same goes for sex. I’m not
saying that our intimate encounters should be reduced to a shallow experience
just to get the act over with. I’m
saying that there are some times when our bodies are just out of balance and a
time of naked fun with our spouse can put the petty arguments in perspective.
4. It’s okay to please your spouse without
expecting anything in return.
Let me tell you this…there have been times in
my husband and my marriage that, whether for health reasons, cycle reasons, or
whatever, intimacy simply called for one person satisfaction. Here’s the fun part though, you may find your
own sense of satisfaction (not the same, albeit) in simply pleasing your spouse—giving
them the opportunity to become completely vulnerable in your care and
attention, allowing you to give them your full attention without your own
demands getting in the way. This can be
used as an alternative to #3. Maybe your
spouse is having a particularly grumpy day; maybe they are sad or anxious and
you’re day is going rather well. Help
lift your spouse up through an intimate experience specifically tailored to
please them. You’d be surprised what a
difference this could make.
This is by far not all I've learned, but a few pointers I
thought necessary to share. I’d love
some feedback as to whether these have helped you in your marriage! (No explicit details, please.)
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